The Seagull closes this week. It's the greatest play we've produced all season, one of the best plays ever written, with one of the best ensemble casts in our long history. Very fine acting! It looks good too, from beginning to end, and it sounds good. I strongly advise anyone who cares about theater to see The Seagull. If you don't think it's a great play, see it again (I'll give second comers a complimentary ticket if we have any available seats: firstname.lastname@example.org). If you still don't think it's great, then we'll do lunch and I'll convince you over blini and beer. If you are still not convinced after lunch I will offer you a puff on one of my special medicinal cigarettes. If that fails, I will just beat you. Then I will blow my brains out since it's clear my entire life mission has been an utter failure.